As a trauma recovery coach, and a trauma survivor myself, I watch other survivors of childhood abuse become repeatedly re-victimized as adults. We enter into abusive romantic relationships, are date raped, or demoralized by relatives who use us as the family scapegoat in staggering numbers.
RECOGNIZING DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
I, myself, have fallen victim to predators who took advantage of me and used me for their own selfish purposes many times over the first few decades after my childhood abuse. I’ve been raped, assaulted, torn apart verbally and emotionally, and used by narcissistic bosses who took credit for my work while doing none of their own. Sometimes I didn’t see the abuse coming and was taken completely by surprise. Other times I saw it for what it was, but didn’t end the dysfunctional relationships before they did further damage to my self-worth.
As I’ve watched this dynamic happen, over and over again, in my own life and in the lives of those survivors I serve, I’ve tried to understand not only why it happens, but how we can stop it. Recently, I’ve realized the huge role that our childhood abuse plays in desensitizing us to further cruel behavior. It leaves us vulnerable to any kind of further abuse, especially if it seems “less than” what we endured as children.
If we were physically, sexually and verbally abused over many years of our childhood being in a relationship someone who “only” yells at us seems somehow acceptable. If we find ourselves on a date with someone who is disrespectful and aggressive, we might not even see a blip on our internal radar until they’ve ripped our clothes off and have us pinned beneath them. We simply don’t seem to have a healthy sensitivity to maltreatment.
SETTING YOUR METER 
I watch people raised in non-abusive families not only identify when they are in a dysfunctional relationship, but put an end to it much more quickly than survivors of childhood abuse. They have an “Oh, hell no!” meter that has a healthy set point. And when that set point gets crossed, it raises an internal alarm, which causes them to say, [share ]“Oh, hell no, you’re not doing this to me,”[/share] and walk away.
I don’t know why it took so long for me to see that scenario and realize its significance, but when I finally did it was a huge “Aha!” moment for me. I immediately understood how, because of our childhood abuse, survivors have a much higher tolerance for being treated badly. Our “Oh, hell no” Meter is set ridiculously low, and sometimes we don’t even have an internal alarm system connected to it. This leaves us incredibly vulnerable to users, narcissists, and sociopaths.
PREVENTION
What do we, as survivors, need to do in order to prevent a large majority of the re-victimization that visits our lives?
- First, we desperately need to reset our “Oh hell no!” Meter.
- Second, we need to have a fully functional, internal alarm.
- Third, when that alarm goes off we need to honor ourselves by leaving the situation.
How do you reset that meter? Take what you’ve learned from your past mistakes, talk to your therapist, observe healthy relationships, and most importantly, decide how you do and do NOT want to be treated by other people. Then, set those boundaries and connect a huge warning system to any violations of them. Honor that warning.
[share ]Declare yourself valuable enough to be treated well. [/share]Stand up and say, “Oh, hell no! Not this time. Not again. Never again!” Then walk away, without one single look back.
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